Honestly, if I told you this story with a straight face and with honest conviction, you would think that I am full of crap.  And you would be right.  Yet, folks like Charles Pierce didn’t seem to get the memo that Field of Dreams is bullshit.  It’s fiction, fantasy, whatever you want to call it.

We get it. Shoeless Joe was left handed. Liotta batted right handed. Ruin a film, it does not.

I know I shouldn’t get worked up about opinion pieces on the net.  It’s silly and a little pointless.  Pierce’s review really rubbed me the wrong way though.  Of course, it is probably because I like the film.  I think what really bugs me is that Pierce dislikes the movie for silly and rather trivial reasons.   Let’s look at his statements in order as they appear in his post.

1.  “It gives me a chance to mention, once again, that FOD remains one of the most execrable feature films in any genre anywhere, including every single one that has starred Adam Sandler”

It’s one thing to say that you don’t like the film.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but this is just retarded.  Special ed kids don’t come up with stuff this off-the-wall (and they come up with some goofy stuff, trust me).  There is no freaking way, no matter how you look at it, that Field of Dreams is worse than Little Nicky.  And I know Pierce thinks he is being pretty witty with a backhanded insult aimed towards Sandler and FOD, but just take a look at Sandler’s page over at IMDB.  There are certainly some stinkers on the list, but his overall body of work isn’t terrible.

2.  “The biggest problem is that the movie is a complete fake.”

I think I’ve already addressed this and it is fairly obvious that the movie is fake, but allow me to list all of the “fake” things that happened in the film just for fun.

• Ray Kinsella plows his corn under (his livelihood) to build a ball field and his wife if totally cool with it.
• A long dead Shoeless Joe Jackson (he died in 1951) suddenly appears out of the corn and eventually brings other players with him.
• Kinsella essentially kidnaps his favorite writer and they share a “voice” experience together at Fenway.  They eventually travel to Minnesota, become fast friends, and…
• While in Minnesota, they find out that the guy they wanted to meet had been dead for a while.  Yet, Ray slips into some crazy assed time space continuum thing and finds himself in 1972 and gets to actually talk to Archibald Graham.
• If you think that’s strange, on the way back to Iowa (in present day) they pick up a young Archie Graham on the side of the road and bring him back to the farm.
• Once back at the farm, Ray’s daughter chokes on a hotdog.  The young Graham (is he a ghost?) steps over a magical threshold and becomes the old Doc Graham (that Ray met on his time travelling adventure) who is dead and saves the young girl’s life.
• Terrance Mann gets to go out to corn (is he visiting the afterlife?) with the players.
• And of course, Ray gets to play catch with a younger version of his dad that has been dead for years.

This is obviously based in reality. Not only does Annie let Ray destroy their livelihood, she HELPS him build the damn field!

I’m not sure about you, but yeah… this stuff is completely realistic.  Just the other day, Giggles and I stepped outside of favorite hometown bar and we found ourselves back in 1984.  Crazy thing was, the bar isn’t that old so when we stepped out of it we found ourselves in a vacant field.  A bunch of ghosts were playing war and pretending like they were Rambo.  So yeah, I guess crazy mystical stuff happens like this every day.

Now that I think of it, that story was just a bad acid flashback.  It seemed real, but I guess it was just part of our collective trip.

3.  “As such, it can’t even get Shoeless Joe Jackson hitting from the correct side of the plate?”

He has a point here.  I can’t really argue this one, except maybe to refer to the previous list.  The film is obviously fiction.  It isn’t a Joe Jackson biopic.  It isn’t even Eight Men Out.  To buy into FOD, you have to suspend disbelief like a sonofabitch and this is what people complain about?

Yes, the film makers should have tried to make Joe bat left handed.  He was probably one of the best left handed hitters of all time, but when there is crazy assed time travel that even Doc Brown couldn’t have imagined I think I can let it slide.

4.  “And, even if you buy the conversion of the novel’s J.D. Salinger character into the reclusive black-activist played by James Earl Jones, having done so, do you think that character wouldn’t have noticed that there didn’t seem to be any room for Josh Gibson, or Cool Papa Bell, or Buck Leonard out there beyond the cornfield?”

According to the very few details the flick gives us about Terrance Mann is that he was a peace loving civil rights and political activist that coined the phrase “Make love, not war”.  There is no doubt that he probably would have noticed the lack of black faces (eventually).  He may have even decided to voice his opinion.  Chances are, he may have known about the Negro Leagues because Jackie Robinson was one of his heroes.

The only thing we know for sure based on the information that the movie gave us about Mann is the first sentence in the last paragraph and the Jackie Robinson bit.  He is a fairly flat character for the most part.  You can’t really make sweeping judgments about a character like this when there isn’t that much to go on in the first place.

Or maybe, ghosts playing baseball on a farm in Iowa blew his freaking mind away and race issues weren’t the first thing that came to his mind.

5.  “And it’s a weepy fake, besides.”

I saw this movie with my dad shortly after my grandpa (his dad) died.  Yeah, it’s weepy.  It’s a tearjerker, especially for middle aged men that shared a bond with their fathers because of baseball.  My dad cried like a baby during that final scene.  My dad is a bit more prone to cry these days, but I don’t think I had ever seen him cry in my life up until that point.  So yeah, it’s a weepy movie.  I’m alright with that.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m sorry.  I just needed to vent.  Rather than waste more of your time, I’d like to leave you with the words of Roger Ebert.

” “Field of Dreams” will not appeal to grinches and grouches and realists.”

In ten words, he said what I tried to say in 1000.

On with the self-indulgent blog post…

This is perhaps one of my biggest pet peeves.  I took this picture with my cell phone so it probably doesn’t illustrate my point entirely, but it should suffice.  By my count, the cart in the picture is about 3 or 4 parking spots away from the cart return.  Is it really that hard to take an extra minute or two to put the cart where it belongs?  It always chaps my hide when I think I’ve stumbled upon a prime parking spot only to be foiled by a stray shopping cart.  It pisses me off even more when the freaking cart return is ultra close.   I understand that there aren’t always cart returns that are in a convenient location and that it doesn’t make sense to trek all over a scorching hot parking lot just to return a cart.  However, one of the grocery stores by my house has a plethora of cart returns.  There might even be more of them than there are carts in the store and people still can’t walk an extra 5 feet.  I’ve seen carts that were so close to the return that they could have been accidentally swallowed by the cart return if someone didn’t willingly stop them.

I’m pretty sure that most rational and educated human beings hate tagging.  To borrow an idea from my Dad, it’s the human equivalent of a dog lifting his leg to mark territory.  It’s also one of those things you just kind of have to live with and if you are lucky, your local government has a good graffiti clean up program.  I’ve had my fence tagged and the sidewalk near my house has been hit a few times.  While it certainly upsets me a bit, I know I can call the graffiti hotline and it will be cleaned up fairly quickly.    What really gets me is some of the objects that taggers choose to leave their illegible marks on.  Not too long ago, I had someone tag a tree on my side yard.  How fucking retarded do you have to be to tag a tree?  My dog has better impulse control and he pisses on everything.

If you don’t know what you are looking at in the picture above, it’s a bin that people use to donate used clothes and shoes to those in need.  They are usually located in shopping centers or in front of stores.  I’m not exactly sure who the items go to or how they are collected, but I would like to assume that the operation is on the up and up.  I actually saw people drop stuff into this very bin the other day, so I at least have some sort of evidence that they are being used.  Once again, how fucking retarded do you have to be to tag something like this?  Shouldn’t there be a special place in hell for someone that defaces something that is obviously there to help people?  I know taggers are generally idiotic kids with genetic stock from the shallow end of the gene pool.  Still, a pretty simple code of ethics should be in order.

1. First and foremost, you shouldn’t deface property that doesn’t belong to you, but if you do..
2. Don’t tag living things.
3. Don’t tag things that help people out.  Do you really need to “claim” the wall at the local soup kitchen?  Isn’t that sort of like stealing a 1972 Ford Pinto from an old man that pees on himself?  It’s just cruel and you don’t really gain anything from it.

I’m sure more could and should be added to the list, but these are fairly simple rules that even a retarded tagger can follow.  Those that break these rules should have to spend eternity watching an endless reel of Joe Castro movies.  It might be cruel and unusual punishment, but does someone that tags a tree or a bin that collects clothes for the needy really deserve compassion?

Of course, after reading this article, the taggers in this case might not be so bad after all.  It’s still a jackass move and I’m pretty sure  the common tagger doesn’t hit up Google before they go on a tagging run.

I just had to add this picture into the article.  A few days after I wrote my tagging rant, I was taking the dogs for a walk and came across a tagged tree in my neighborhood.  I’m pretty sure that my dog wanted to piss on this tree to make his mark, but I yanked on his leash and that was that.  Too bad there isn’t a human equivalent of the choke chain….

I took this picture a few years back while on vacation with my wife (who was my girlfriend at the time).  I know it is really hard to tell in this picture, but the car is parked right smack in the middle of two parking spots.  There is really no excuse for this kind of stuff.  It may be hard to tell, but the parking spots at this particular place were pretty damned spacious.  I was originally going to write that I would grant a little leeway to an older driver with bad eyes, but they shouldn’t be driving in the first place and if they are they certainly shouldn’t be driving anything bigger than a Hoveround. I always want to know what makes someone think that they are so special that they should  be able to take up two parking spots.  At least they aren’t as bad as the jackasses who park in handicapped spots when they aren’t handicapped.

Cigarette butts are the focus of this picture, but the overall theme of this rant has to do more with litter (and is somewhat related to my shopping cart rant).  This pic was taken in the parking lot at a 7-11.  If you know anything about convienence stores, they usually aren’t lacking in trash receptacles.  Though I may be wrong, my brain keeps telling me that there are trash cans on either side of the door at the 7-11 where this picture was taken.  I know for damn sure that there is at least 1 right by the door, which was probably less than 20 feet from this pile of butts.  What gets me even more is that most of the time, people stop at 7-11 because they are going into the store (I know there are exceptions).  This person probably went in to buy a pack of smokes and walked by the trash can.

I could make the list way longer if I really tried.  People that bump their music while riding through neighborhoods at ungodly hours.  Neighbors that let their dogs bark for minutes that almost turn into hours at 4:30am.  Seriously, I could write a thesis on this crap but I’ll leave at this:  The things that piss me off generally have to do with being considerate.  Putting a cart in a cart return isn’t hard.  Throwing away your trash is pretty easy.  A tagger that vandalizes someone elses property is an asshole.  Parking in two spots when it isn’t necessary is selfish and rude.  Thinking about someone else for 2.2 seconds isn’t a bad thing folks.

THEY LIVE

Reviewed By: Giggles

John Carpenter’s THEY LIVE stars “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and if I need to say more than you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. All you need as an action star is BEWILDERMENT and INTENSITY, and Mr.Piper’s got both in spades.

We’re not much for plot summaries on the ole YMR, because there are other websites that can provide coherent synopsis of any and every film, websites that do this extremely well. Weller than me, anyway.

But, if you must know and don’t want to open a new tab (or window if you’re into impregnating your taskbar with a lot of shit you’ll never get back to) and if you really must know the story. Here it be: Aliens have come to our world disguised as human beings and the only way to see past their disguises are really hooky 1980s sunglasses.

I loved this film. Not because it’s great, or even because its good. But because of Carpenter’s will imposed on the audience: FUCK SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF. You will believe, or else. And we still don’t, but its kinda funny how he gets all worked up when we’re still laughing.

Rowdy’s got that, “Awww, come on, give a homeless mother-fucker a job,” look on his face.

“I’m just fuckin’ wichya.”

Anyone impressed by my bundles of pasty muscles? No? Any takers? None? Hulk, is that you? Oh, Barber Beefcake… ah you sly devil.

I put these on and at once I feel so very dated.

I love how simplistic the subliminal messages the sunglasses reveal. There’s no sense in writing something long and eloquent to transfer unwillingly into someone’s subconscious. Our subconscious attention spans won’t last for epic poems or any legal statements given with software and electronics or any legal statements at all for that matter.

Do me baby.

If you haven’t seen this film, just let me say quickly that there is an extremely funny, prolonged fight scene that begins with this image and continues on, and on, and then continues over again. To say the entire scenario is great, well, is accurate to an extent, but I’d prefer to call it supertastically-fantafuckingreat. Although that would never work subliminally, I’m quite aware.

The premise is simple: PUT ON THESE GLASSES. THEY WILL MAKE YOU SEE SOME WEIRD SHIT.

But the response………..

GET THOSE DAMN 80s GLASSES AWAY FROM ME! BLAM!

And the retaliation equals instant Anger Boy.

So if you’re ever in the mood for an unintentionally cinematic giant of cheesy greatness, you’ll do yourself good by renting this or just blind buying it. The plot isn’t even that great, but the conclusion…. oh Hey-Zeus Kristo. The ending, the finale, the last ten seconds is the greatest explanation of tone I’ve ever seen.

It’s like Johnny Carpenter said to himself, “Damn, I guess I started out making an action-scifi movie and ended up with something absolutely hilarious…. Hmmm, I better make sure the audience knows I’ve been kidding on purpose this whole time. I did do HALLOWEEN and THE THING for godsake.”

This story begins by describing a place in time. To quote, “When myth and history turned into Mystery.”

Okay, well, yeah, or one could just as easily say, “When Piss and Shit turned into a movie.”

But goddamnit anyway! This movie is too much cheesy fun to deny. It makes me want to watch all of those early Arnold movies before he hit it big in Conan.

And do yourself a favor, if you rent it or blind-buy it, listen to the movie with ARNOLD’S VOICE. The other vocal track makes him sound like the rest of the foreign horde of Hercules that have graced the not-so silver screen.

“Aye dawn’t wahnt to be named Ahnald Strong! It’s a pussy name! Let me keep my long, hahd-to-spell Austrian name or I’ll reach dawhn into yah stomach and break yah gohddamn spine!”

Ever see that Twilight Zone with the gremlin on the plane? Terror at 20,000 Feet?

This is a subtle reminder that Arnold knows how to work up old ladies with just a flick of his fingers.

I believe there are plenty of places on the Internet to find the plot of this movie. Some are probably even eloquently stated, but you won’t find plot here at Youngmanridge. You’re on your own with that shit. Just look up there and enjoy the big hulking baffoon getting choked and stop wondering why. Let it be.

Upon being queried as to why Hercules kicked some guy’s ass, he actually answers, “He’s most disagreeable and he irritated me.”

Well all right then.

“Aye dahwn’t like you Woody Allen. Thas why I’m gawhna kill you first.”

VaVoom! What a hottie! Too bad she’s all dopey over Mr.Hercalicious.

Titty Dance everyone!

“Aye wahs just wahndering if you were a Kennedy.”

Hercules can stop anybody. Even guys in brown bear suits.

“Come and sit on Herkie’s lap. You can tell me who is your Daddy and what does he do?”

Hercules’s body building nemesis: MONSTRO THE MAGNIFICENT!

“Hurry up you stoopid hawrses! I need to shit!”

A touching scene with Hercules’s friend Pretzie (a Pretzel Salesman– he does it for the money).

Hercules’s voice comes over the radio and he tells Pretzie not to grieve about his departure. He adds that, while he safely made his way back to Mount Olympus, there will sadly never be another Hercules movie starring the governor of California.

So we are only left then with fond memories.

]]> http://youngmanridge.com/?feed=rss2&p=355 0 http://youngmanridge.com/?p=574 http://youngmanridge.com/?p=574#comments Tue, 03 Jan 2006 16:12:34 +0000 Giggles http://youngmanridge.com/?p=574

“10 Reasons Why Santa is Evil”

Written by : Giggles

“Pimpin’ in the snow ain’t easy.”

#1 — Santa despises red noses and all they stand for.

“So, you want to be a homo, er, a dentist?”

#2 — Santa takes advantage of his elves and has turned them into brainwashed slaves!

“We are DEVO!”

#3 — Santa Makes the elves “fill” his sack.

#4 — Santa is a mafia union task master.

Rudolph is surrounded by conforming assholes. UNION! UNION!

#5 — Santa doesn’t like the deformed or the homosexual.

Strange that nobody I know can recall a Yeti in the Rudolph song.

Or this dingle named Yukon Cornelius that enjoys licking ice picks.

#6 — Santa has developed a concentration camp for misfit toys.

“Off to the ovens with you, Mr. In-the-Box.”

These toys are misfits? Oh wait, now I see! An elephant doll with polkadots and a plane, doll, and choo-choo with subtle paint jobs. How horrific.

#7 — Santa makes Rudolph grow up on his own and live a raw childhood, Simba-style.

#8 — He blames Rudolph for all of his problems.

# 9 — Santa’s mustache looks like devil horns.

#10 — At the first sign of complication, Santa quits and cancels Christmas.

Runner up:

He tells his elves to toss out misfit toys from the sleigh, thirty thousand feet up, with nothing more than a flimsy umbrella.

I saw this movie when I was like eight or nine. It had to be around that time of my life because I remember that some of the images disturbed me. AS A MATTER OF FACT, there was one scene, in particular, that really scrambled my little underdeveloped eight year old mind.

That image will come later in the review, but first, let’s take a look at some other glorious moments from this swashbuckler that ends up being pure cheese and simultaneously a thrilling piece of low-budget fantasy.

I can understand now why this movie tripped me out when I was young. This face-wall is fuuuhreaaaky! Hey, that dude in the corner owes me five bucks!

In the film’s beginning, Cromwell, the evil King (from the Blue Lagoon) seeks to unleash someone named The Sorcerer, who also happens to be the chap in the title of the movie. Cromwell need the Sorcerer to magic-up a powerplay or two for his sovereignty.

Cromwell wants, Cromwell receives. The Sorcerer, with little exception, is a goddamn masterpiece of evil-power. He can do shit that the average evil-doer would grimace at.

Like tear your heart out from across the room!

Darth Vader’s choking bit seems pretty tame now.

Looks like someone dressed up an Ent as a monk for Halloween.

“RIBB-IT man. Rib It.“

So, anyhow, you know that a hero is inevitable in a movie like this. And without further ado, I give you…

…Some medievally dressed dude.

But WOW-WEE, check out the Tri-Tip sword! Sounds good enough to eat! And if three blades wasn’t enough to grab you, two of them are launchable!

No wonder this movie wasn’t named “The Warrior And The Sorcerer.” The Sword is way cooler!

This is so phallocentric; check me out ladies.. I got THREE dicks for ya.

The hero, older now, thinks back on the good ole days of shooting folks with his sword.

The damsel in this movie is scorching when she isn’t a small captured graphic in a web-article. PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

“What? You only have one cock? What the hell am I going to do with that?”

Triple Sword and Ruthless Mage Fashion Inc. present the fall TITTY COLLECTION!

I really do want to love her with a slow hand, and mayhap a few easy touches.

“But these go to Eleven.“

Cromwell’s crown is a pretty cool design. It almost makes up for his specter-headed shlong that has risen for the occasion.

Oh yeah, remember that scene I was talking about earlier? My child brain locked up when I saw this guy’s face split in twine. And I still recall exactly what I mumbled to my eight-year old self after seeing the carnage.

Holy Fuckin’ Shit!

If you and your buddies, or in the strange, off chance, the far off twilight zonish possibility, that you and your girlfriends are in the mood for a little swash and lot of buckle, this movie comes highly recommended. It’s fun that only the mentally challenged could cherish and that’s why I need to see it again.

Right away.

“The Fear 2: Halloween Night”

Reviewed by:  Giggles

Rating:

(2.5 outta 5)

It has been quite a while since my last article, and even longer since my last Stinkyard entry. That might be attributed to lack of response and interest in the general internet population, or it may be laziness, or it may be both.

Most folks want instant gratification and they want everything done for them and spelled out. I was one of those people too. I fell into a trap that many web-writers are predisposed to entangling themselves in: I thought people would read…

Well, they won’t. Not if you don’t pay them, or get them off, or offer free tickets to the local steakhouse. So why am I writing this? Not for family or friends… they don’t read either.

Am I writing this for myself? HELL NO! I have better things to do with my time.

I’m writing this for my good pal Morty, who, despite being introduced into a horribly lame and unimaginative horror movie that nobody ever saw, has managed to appear once more in a sequel, which is only marginally better than the first.

Morty perseveres, and so shall I.

“I don’t think it’s ever an easy thing to see Morty.”
Shortstick

The movie, if you can call it that (I suppose you can since there is movement), is similar in structure to the first entry. The main character Mike brings his friends to his grandparents’ house for a Halloween where they dress up as their innermost fears. Mike’s fear is that he’s inherited a homicidal legacy from his father. Everyone else’s fear seems to be as believable as any complication in any Disney channel afterschool show.

Of course, at the party one of Mike’s friends brings out Morty, who has taken on a significant change of appearance since the last installment.

Let the slow, unsuspenseful carnage begin.

“That dude looks like Randal from CLERKS.”
Shortstick

“Yeah? Well that dude looks like Luke Duke.”
Roachito

“The good ole days– can’t even get an axe 2 inches into a skull anymore.”
Roachito

“Morty looks like Henry Rollins.”
Roachito

“That’s cuz he trained with Barry Bonds.” – Shortstick

“You have to wear a Morty mask to lead a ceremony? Where do I get one?”
Shortstick

“Morty on a treasured vacation.”
Giggles

“I’m not turned on, but intrigued; that’s Morty’s butt.”
Giggles

“So Morty turns out to be Native American… a guy named Morty?”
Giggles

“Uh-huh. He’s from a Jewish Indian Tribe — they used every piece of the buffalo.”
Shortstick

“I’m tired of you Indians! Everywhere I turn is another Indian, takin’ all our jobs and casinos, and all of our shitty land!”
Shortstick

“If you put the Morty mask on, you turn into Daniel Craig, the next 007?”
Giggles

Yes, that’s it. Lunge at the snake and kill it. It was bothering everybody sitting there coiled in a ball, minding its own slimy green business.

“Question-mark man? Is this dude afraid of Matthew Lesko?”
Shortstick

Morty Lesko.

“What can I say? I DON’T want to get free money.”

“That guy on the right is either afraid of gay Puerto Ricans or the Heavenly Kid.”
Roachito

“Finally! We’ve been waiting for Morty to take action since The Fear 1. Too bad he’s trying to steal this guy’s sheet so he can go take a nap. Come on Morty! Don’t lay around like a bump on a log. You are the log!”
Giggles

“Oh, to hell with it.”

“SILVER BULLET”

Reviewed by: Giggles

Rating:

(3.5 outta 5)

I saw this movie a few times when I was a kid and remembered absolutely nothing about the story going into it. There is a sense though that what worked then, still works now: GRAND MASTER BUSEY.

If you’d like to know the plot extensively, you’ve come to the wrong place. Plot summaries are for those people who do the “back of the DVD” prose. I will say that a werewolf is involved, as is a wheelchair-bound Corey Haim. After that, who in their right mind would care how the story progressed?

Wolfie gives all the Head you can handle.

You know, if what they say is true about decapitation, this was probably one hell of a ride. Guess you wouldn’t really get that roller-coaster feeling in your stomach though.

Does Gilligan know you raid his wardrobe, Lucas?

Actual line from the film:
“You always take his side cuz he’s crippled!”
–Haim’s disgruntled Sister

Enter the BUSEY.
Believe it or not, his line here is “Taa-daaaaaa!“

The SILVER BULLET wheelchair.
Now, let’s soak this in and put ourselves in Corey Haim’s shoes… First, you’re about to receive a better wheelchair than you had before, and Second, your uncle Gary Busey is the evil-genius inventor of your new seat. How cool is that?

The fact that my own legs work almost makes me angry.
Why does that little twirp get a cool motorcycle chair?
He doesn’t even have a license to drive.

And we got Priest Plissken over here, just as green with envy as myself.
The Lord aught not grant that useless little bastard such gagetry. And here I am, still waiting for my boomerang-Cross to wipe the earth of nosferatu, but does the Lord return my voicemails. Hell no.

Kick it Busey-style. Church is boring, so bring a nice and heavy FLASK!

Corey Haim decides that the only way to lure werewolves will most certainly have to incorporate incendiaries. After a couple failed attempts at lighting a few sidewinders, he decides to up the stakes and starts sending up roman candles.
Turns out that Werewolves fuckin hate fireworks.

OH, THE PRETTY LIGHTS!!!! AHHHH!!!

“There better be a good reason for Lucas sending all those noisy-ass lights into the air. I was planning on hobbling him for it, but goddamnit, now I’ve got to rethink the circumstance.”

Brusha-Brusha-BrushA.

In the end, you’ll probably have fun with SILVER BULLET. There’s no way in hell you can take it seriously or even begin to imagine it happening in the way it does, but that’s actually why it works.

Note: You can easily be distracted screening this film. I know its hard to believe, because of this article’s acute attention to every detail, but when my friends and I watched this movie we were often occupied with conversation.

Well, we were, save for the moments Busey came on screen. Then the magic began.

There has been a trend in horror movies to indoctrinate real serial killers into common slasher movies. I’ve seen BUNDY and DAHMER (2002) and I have to admit that each film was morbidly intriguing. As is this movie.

I need to make something clear I guess though, since this portion of the site deals exclusively in cheesy horror movies. THE HILLSIDE STRANGLER is not cheesy. It’s gritty, disturbing at times, and actually powered by some overlooked performances by Nicholas Turturro, Lin Shaye, and the Outsider, Mr.Pony-Boy “Sideout” Curtis himself:

There will be so factoid smacking around about what the movie gets right from the real murders and what it gets wrong. I believe, from mild-research, that the film takes more liberties than not. But hey, we got the SOULMAN starring as serial killer Kenneth Bianci. Wasn’t this what everybody was waiting for anyway?

Turns out that Mr.Bianchi was a crybaby mama’s boy. “They pushed me down on the last hopscotch square Ma! The double square that shows you finally made it. Those buttholes !!!“

Then he meets a sadistic bully named Angelo Buono (Turturro), who happens to have a Perfect 10 on the hatred level for children, animals, fenceposts, grapefruit, things with cursive writing and most especially women. Unlike the other killer, Bianchi, Angelo has an unbridled loathing for his mother.

Angelo invites Bianchi into a sleazy world of filthy women and pristine drugs. They get a whore-syndicate going and start making some money.

BEHOLD: The seedy-side of C. Thomas Howell.

Yikes! Those x-ray sunglasses are terrifically ugly! Take ‘em off!

“Those are quality sunglasses you undisciplined cretin!“

In the pimpin’ world, some folks have to rely on cheatsheets to track customers. It saves time when taxes are due.

It’s hard to tell in this picture, but this old man is actually watching a stripper dance as he begins to snort a line of coke.

Now…. while I don’t particularly advocate the behavior, can you imagine being seventy-nine and having an opportunity like this?

Most folks his age are wondering whether they’ll empty their bowels in the toilet or on the ottoman in front of their wicker chair, but this guy’s thinking: Nope, gotta get my swerve on, and this pixie dust is just the ticket!

“Don’t be givin’ that old man any more of our snow Bianchi! If the goddamn guy was a supervillian he’d be called The Aardvark.”

I love this. It wasn’t enough to moon two serial killers, but this chick literally drives her underclothes deep into her ass-crack. That’s heart, ladies and men. That’s all heart.

Angelo’s mother (Lin Shaye) has a really good confrontation scene with her malicious offspring. The scene was too good for anything we at THE STINKYARD have ever been involved with. But then again, the scene was probably too good for this movie also.

Hopefully Angelo’s dog Vito never gets a bead on you. Because if he does, you might as well just hand over your tits or balls right then and there.

To conclude this very coherent and free-flowing review I’d like comment on this scene. Now, I figure that two things could be happening here.

1) C. Thomas Howell figured, in his own research of the character, that Kenneth Bianchi danced like he had a chinchilla in his boxers, or

2) C. Thomas was really trying to dance.

I’ll let you be the judge and I’ll just excuse myself. Not because I can’t form an opinion of my own, but really just because I’ve pissed myself looking at this picture.

How to Better Use A Roger Ebert Review

STEP
No. 1

“The Four-Star Facelift“

If you come upon a movie that Ebert has given 4 Stars, you’re most likely going to watch a worthwhile flick, maybe even a classic. You can further bank on this if the film is an action movie, comedy, horror, or any other genre that usually doesn’t deserve such high praise.

But BEWARE! If you aren’t a sophisticate who judges lighting, direction, photography, theme, etc, you better check the subject matter of the Quatro-Star Film you’re getting yourself into. For instance, if you’re expecting to be thrilled by an English manners drama at the end of an 8-hour blue collar workday, you might be in for a shock.

Ebert has a keen attention span and he’s perfectly happy watching actors stare into nothing and ponder things that will never be divulged to an audience. (I think this gives him time to jot down notes like “awesome rack on Johansson” or “Clooney looks fuckin insane when he screams!”)

Let’s put it this way. I’m an admirer of Ebert’s writing and critiquing skills, but there are always exceptions. The man loved the delightfully dull Gosford Park for one, and for two, he lusted after Lost in Translation, a film that moves at the speed of frozen butter.

Exceptions, exceptions. Nobody’s perfect.

STEP
No. 2

“The Rating-Draining: Story of the ZERO star”

Don’t piss EBERT off with mediocre shit! He’s got like twelve-hundred more movies to watch and he’s not going to like your movie if he isn’t completely overjoyed watching it.

If you come upon a movie with NO STARS rest assured that, most of the time, Ebert has sheparded you away from a steaming plopper. Indeed some movies fall into a category that will cause Ebert’s rating to drop to an absolute zero. The Deuce Bigalows are easy to accept. But, thing is, there are rare times when these zero-movies aren’t 100% shit.

Real quick. Here’s some Ebert zero-star movies that I don’t quite agree with.

Police Academy–
It wasn’t the groundbreaking comedy that AIRPLANE was, but Police Academy had some funny parts. And other dweebs must have thought so too because the franchise quickly shot out eight sequels.

Great God Ebbie, if you laughed at least one time it deserves 1/2 star. Come on!
I’d give it 2 stars, and on my sillier days, 3.

The Life of David Gale–
Ebert disagreed with the politics of this film. But so? Who cares if the politics are wacky and the story’s messily constructed. Zero stars Roger?

Kevin Spacey should get the film a single star just for showing up. Subsequently, Ebert also gave The Ususal Suspects 1-1/2 stars. Kevin must have embittered Roge somehow.

Rozencrantz And Guildenstern are Dead–
What’s the purspose of trying to find meaning in a Theatre of the Absurd play? Ebert couldn’t make heads or tails of this movie, so he gave it the old open knuckle. But why? What for? Zero stars means the world would be better off if the movie didn’t even exist. That’s too harsh.

Wait Until Dark–
This movie scared the stuffing out of me when I was a kid. It was at least effective at one level. That, or I’m a wuss, but that’s just something I’m not readily going to accept.

Yeah, these films might not be deserving of a positive review, but zero? NOTHING? They don’t get any credit? Goddamn, I remember getting mercy-points in school for turning in a paper with my name at the top and the word “The” scrawled on the first line.

STEP
No. 3

“The Two And A Half Dilemma“

Sometimes 2 and 1/2 star movies, or Twoofies, as I call them, are those that Ebert almost enjoyed. It’s like when you go to McDonald’s and are left unfulfilled, but at the same time you can’t deny that the meal served your biological purposes.

Sometimes Twoofies can turn out to be really enjoyable films. The way that you can gage this is by what Richard Roeper has to say. If he opposed Ebert with a thumbs-up then you might have one that got away from His Majesty. It doesn’t happen often, but it can, so be on the lookout.

NOTE: Consulting Richard Roeper for movie-review comparison should be done sparingly.

STEP
No. 4

“Know The Review Structure“

It’s important, especially for people with short attention spans, or people who don’t like looking at words, to know exactly how Ebert’s reviews are put together.

Most of the time, this is the format.

Part I: Introduction–
Ebert hints at whether he likes, dislikes, or is indifferent to a movie. He won’t come right out and let his overall opinion fly just yet.

Part II: Plot–
Ebert will summarize the major conflict of the story, and at times either give subtle praise or subtle rebuke during this portion.

Part III: Opinion–
Ebert will lay it all out. By now you will know if he loves a movie and he’ll tell you why he loves it and why everyone should love it. This goes for movies he hates as well.

So, if you’re one of those nano-readers, who want the nitty gritty, skip the middle section (Part II) of the review. It’s all stuff you can find on IMDB.com if you really want to know. I skip from time to time when I don’t want to know anything about the movie save for whether it was great, good or fuckin’ horrible. I’m all about budgeting my time to save for moments of gratification.

STEP
No. 5

“The Surefire 3-1/2er.“

When you come across a movie that is rated at THREE & ONE-HALF stars, make a point to go see that movie. It will probably become one of your favorites and more than likely you’ll actually buy the DVD someday. There’s just something magical about the Threefie. I can’t put my finger on it, but I would theorize that because Ebert isn’t dealing in absolutes something extraordinary occurs…

Art has really and truly been accurately weighed.