“NUDE FOR SATAN”

Reviewed By Giggles

2 outta 5

(but on the Boobie Scale: 10 outta 5)

Now, hear me out… when we decided to rent this movie we had three things in mind:

1) Horror

2) Boob #1

3) Boob #2

Runner Up: A nice fuzzy Crotch Smile

Your opinion of me going downhill yet? Good, good. I wouldn’t want to disappoint. Okay, so we established that our intentions of renting a Horror movie entitled NUDE FOR SATAN was influenced by one part testosterone and one part male naivety.

This is actually not part of the movie. It’s part of a vampire-lesbo introduction credit sequence for the DVD distributor, Redemption, Usa. Now that’s a whole hell of a lot better than that Columbia Pictures chick holding her little light.

The fact is that this movie offers a delicious helping of female anatomy and little else besides that. The movie is boring. It literally REFUSES to reach the one-hour mark.

The sex scenes are simplistic and not that arousing. Just when you think you’re gonna get some good stuff, it leaves you dry. As my site mate Shortstick put it, “This is like one of those Skinemax movies where you have your dick in your hand for half an hour, waiting for something to happen.“

Redemption‘s intro is what dreams are made of.

On the horror end of it, the story offers very little to stir the imagination. A guy’s car breaks down – he meets a strange girl – he goes to a Dracula-type manor – he gets entangled with a girl that looks just like the strange girl he met, and they have lots of sex – oh, and Satan owns the house and he sexes-up the actual strange girl when she isn’t having a lesbian encounter, or two – then everything climaxes in an orgy.

Damn, maybe this movie wasn’t so bad.

Naah, it was.

So to start off the film, we have a chick in her birthday suit running through a forest, lit by lightning. Italians. God love ‘em! I know I do.

That bush has like a 2-inch clearance. A man could get lost in there and die trying to find his way back out.

The title is poised before two Headlights. Symbolism for what is to come? Indeed my friends, indeedy-do.

“Hey Satan, which way to the naked chicks?”
“Take a turn at Devil’s Fork and go up the path.”
“Thanks a lot man. You’re not so bad after all.”
“You caught me in a fine mood. When I’m dressed like Zorro, nothing pisses me off.”

The dude has a little car and a little gun! Either he’s got an enormous dong, or life is painfully fuckin cruel.

What do you see in this picture? Well?
Everything in this room and in this review belongs to Satan. So, why not list his assets:
The Vase For Satan
The Throne For Satan

The Gimp For Satan

The Dude in the Velvet Suit For Satan

Satan For Satan

This one was inevitable.
Nude For Satan

Knee-highs For Satan

All right… must quit… this could go on forever.

Look at this guy enjoying his acting job.
“Hey what’d you do today?”
“Oh, I was boobin.”

“And after that I had to go nippling. It’s work, but you get used to it.”

This movie’s message about Lesbianism didn’t make a single wave. Not with Lesbians and not with men.

Two women, locked in coitus, is an angelic, heavenly act and should be revered as such. I’m of that opinion myself. There’s nothing like a good Taco Fight. Saddle up girls!

Satan seems like a showoff to me. With his little red duster, his brass cane and his severely unhetero neck tie. I will respect the evil god’s powers though………

Damn! Nude For Us!

The Lona Misa for Satan.

Satan’s flashing gang signs.

One of Satan’s scrumpets is actually whipped more times than Jesus Christ.

Andy Kaufman for Satan!

Las Tatas Para El Diablo.

Another one of my site mates, Little Roach, made a claim that I think is easy to overlook. This girl really is an excellent actress. A big fake spider is coming to get her and she’s screaming in a quite convincing manner.

Let’s face it. You’d have to actually be sub-human to fear something as plastic as this.

Satan has close-set eyes so he can see through your clothes! Oh that devil!

Her breast popped out on her fall down an endless chasm. That always seems to happen in Italy.

That bush makes pitcher Eric Gagne’s goatee look like nothing more than a soul patch.

Emaciated For Satan

Well, the movie ends as I promised it would. An orgy ensues. I hope I didn’t ruin anything or give anything away. I think you’ll get over it. Maybe, unless you are that one guy out there that’s seen every one of this director’s movies except this one. Noooo, that’s not possible. There’s no way someone, male or female, could resist a title like NUDE FOR SATAN. There’s more charisma in those three words than there is in this entire movie.