JINGLE ALL THE WAY

REVIEW BY: GIGGLES

1 outta 5

We love Arnold here at the 'Ridge. Love him in a way that only other men can love other men and still remain non-homosexual. Pretty much everything the man has done on screen and off has been beyond wonderful. When we watch him, you can see our joy actually manifest in a brilliant glow that holds in our proud, masculine gaze--- there's nothing he can do wrong.

Or, so I thought.

You know those movies that you never really see, but you form an opinion about anyway? Well, Jingle All the Way, was a movie that I knew wasn't very good. But hey, if you've read any of the reviews on this site, you can realize that me and my friends are far from picky.

But...

I made a big mistake in assuming that Arnold pictures are always going to be entertaining. See, even his bad movies were fun to watch in a distorted, fucked-up kind of way.

For instance, COMMANDO is so bad that it's positively great. Yet this holiday movie, where Arnold attempts to secure a Mighty-Morphin rip off doll for his little son (Phantom-Menace Anakin Skywalker, Jake Lloyd), falls so short of greatness, you need only blink and you've missed the glimmer of integrity it has before the opening credits stop rolling.

"Whut es it Maria? Cahn't yew see I'm governating righht nahw?"

How come kids in movies can draw so damn well? This little dude is in the 3rd grade and he already has proportion and perspective nailed. What gives?

Watch as John "Karate Kid" Matrix shows off for his begrudging brat of a son!

So if you don't know the story behind the movie, be prepared for astonishment. Arnold plays an overworked father who has good intentions for his kid but somehow cannot get into his good graces without buying a popular (sold-out) toy.

Daddy goes to find toy, Daddy encounters irritating postal worker, Daddy competes with postman for the toy, Daddy goes to all sorts of lengths to find toy. Daddy ends up dressing like the toy and winning his son's heart again, thus proving how shallow little kids really are. Furthermore, it's an awarding holiday movie with a message.

And that message is:
MAKE SURE TO RESERVE POPULAR TOYS FOR YOUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN, OR THEY WILL HATE YOU!
And if that's not bad enough, people with craterous mouth-holes will think your dilemma is the cornerstone of hilariousness.

"Thes es wahr!"

It's the AWWWW, COME ON, DON'T BULLSHEET ME - face.

In one scenario, Arnold finds himself in a sweatshop full of black-marketing, crooked Santa Clauses. Why they need to work dressed up is never actually explained, but what really needs explaining here? Seems like a no-brainer. Double emphasis on no.

A built, crazy-eyed Santa picks a fight with Arnold and does what all strong men do when they catch a weakling's feeble punch...

...a bendy-bend. Look how strong I am! I just turned Arnold's hand into goulash.

The Commando, John Matrix, forever pushing stalled cars. What an image. It'd make a good painting. I would name it "STRUGGLE" and mount the name on a little bronze plaque underneath. I'd take it to art shows and stand around in beret smoking a clove, burning incense on a little fake marble pillar nearby. Grow a dainty little mu-stache.

"Struggle" by Giggles Gonzalez

Another lame-o complication is Arnold's neighbor played by the Phil Hartman. The conflict only serves to fill air with more air. The neighbor's horny and he's moving in on Arnold's wife. The whole thing is sitcom at very best, and we begin to forget that this film actually cost millions of dollars to make.

Here's a conan-moment revisited. In a good movie this would have been really funny, but at this point you just want the madness to stop. I will say this though, if it weren't for this scene I'd have given this movie 0 out of 5.

TurboMan in the flesh. He kind of looks like THE FLASH with a blue-blocking visor over his eyes. Anyways, to say that the conclusion of this story is ridiculous, doofy and inane would be like saying the ocean is kinda moist in some places.

I will say that the design for Sinbad's brain cap was pretty neat. I liked the brain fluid sloshing around in the top. A nice touch. All in all, this movie does find a way to parody Mighty Morphinesque characters with great precision. I'll give it that and only that.

Just look at the retardation. What a horrid, horrid movie.

One might ask the question then, "Stop bitching about it. You wanted it. If you purposely watch these bad movies, what can you expect?"

I think JINGLE ALL THE WAY is an example of a bad movie that's so bad it ceases to be fun. It's bad because it's insulting to a two year old's intelligence--- nope, I'll correct that and be more fair--- it's insulting to a crack-baby fetus (no offense to crack-babies).

But just to think of the drones of bahing people that went to see this addled-brained piece of monkey-spunk blows me away. There's not a single moment in this film when the dialog is original or creative; everything is stock: the jokes, the plot, the situations, the settings, the complications.

How, oh how, do you fuck up an Arnold movie? This, my friends, is the dreadful answer to that long sought-after enigma.

Pray we never see its replication.