We all know that one movie that comes on cable and manages to put a stranglehold on your ability to turn the channel. It would seem that it's trite, mundane, dated, and even stupid, and yet you fall victim to its sad charm.

Just One Of The Guys is such a tale of seduction.

There's something about Joyce Hyser's face. You can already tell she's going to be a boy before she's even made the decision. This article will mainly detail the exploits of the character of Terri, rather than an in-depth look at all of the other characters and plotlines. For example, Terri's brother is a horny little cuss, who would like nothing more than to land himself some eighties' poontang, but alas, his quest is not our focus.

Terri is. Because she's the infamous Joyce Hyser.

Oh yeah, NOTE:

Just in case her androgenenous nature has already bewitched you, BEWARE of searching for Joyce Hyser's picture on the internet. Her nude photos are highly coveted and you may just land yourself in Trojan Horse Heaven trying to locate free copies of them, and if not there you may end up in Virusville, or possibly even the often feared and revered, Spywarehouse.

This is a perfect moment for symbolism. After all, Terri is exposing us to everything feminine about her. And that's precisely why we miss the point trying to be made.

Plus we are angered by this dude. How can a mere towel around the shoulders qualifiy you for a higher status? Does this prickcycle above think he's better than us in someway? This is the kind of guy that needs something slung around those dainty shoulders, whether it be a towel or a sweater.

Any dude with legs skinnier than his chick's has got to eat an extra meal a day. And this was the Eighties! Tight jeans, remember? It's a good thing he's a yuppie or we would have been subjected to watching a man walk around on two little league baseball bats dressed in snug denim.

The only bad part about this is, regardless of what a trickle-dick this guy is, Terri will go on to replace him with somebody much more pathetic and sorry.

Naah, it's not Billy Zabka. Even though that vest would suggest otherwise...

Come on Terri, don't rub it in our faces. Well, okay, go ahead and rub away!
(Ouch! Got a caboose stocked to the walls with booty on that mamacita!)

I love how Terri tries to keep her integrity in this scene, marking this occasion as the day her boyfriend "really just doesn't get her," and all and all treats her like a piece of meat. And I'm with her. You go woman! All the way. Drive the fem-power home! Because as Terri stretches out on the towel, I am in no way at all reminded of rump roast or hamhocks.

And now comes the low point in the movie, and that sucks because the torment almost plays out until the bitter end, and we have to deal with this sad sad mug as pictured above.

Terri decides to change her gender in order to be recognized as a writer. She believes that males are taken more seriously. To an extent, she's not far off. I mean, we have our female writers: Jane Austen, Emily Dickinson, Maya Angelou, J.K. Rowlings, Anne Rice, Daniel Steele...etc.

But see how that list degenerated at the end? Not to take anything away from the latter entries, but these are the distinguishing factors between literary writers and mainstream entertainment. I like both and respect both, yet I have the feeling that Terri considers herself much more.

.

Terri, in the process of changing schools, meets a dork and gradually falls for him, and as many times as I have seen this movie, I still have no clue as to why.

I think, as an audience, we are susposed to realize that her new boyfriend is not as geeky as everybody thinks, yet when Terri transforms him into COOL, the effect of his doofis-like demeanor becomes exponential!

FROM this....

TO...

THIS?????????????

I looked up this actor's website and found a page listing some pictures. The title of the image gallery really made me go to pieces: CLAYTON ROHNER, the man, the myth.

Boy, I'll say. I remember when my mama used to tell bedtime stories about Clayton Rohner to me:

"Hush now, go to sleep, and remember what happened to Clayton. You must be watchful, or you'll end up just like him. Befriended by a big titty woman transformed into Ralph Macchio and converted into someone from the year 1955.85."

SPOILER AHEAD, so just LOOK out...!

At the end of the movie Terri writes an article about switching sexes and that gets her in big with the Tribune newspaper, landing her a summer internship.

So we prove that Terri was correct all along! She had to have a sack of cajones jiggling between her legs to be able to write anything "non-hysterical" and worth while.

The grimer fact to consider here is how other women will have to go about landing jobs. Will us men have to suffer more of the nightmarish transmogrifications that shapely Terri underwent?

Oh, but it appears that I skipped over the best part.

Well yeah, Sherylin Fenn is as cute as can be, but no, no, this movie's conclusion delivers!

Terri has to tell Rick (Clayton Rohner) she loves him. They are at the Prom and Terri needs to do a little liberating of the chest to convince Rick that she isn't just a really really faggy guy.

For a film so concerned with female rights, you may deconstruct the following image in a positive or negative light.... (1) Terri is presenting the world her womanhood, or (2) Look at her tits! Yeeeehaaaa!

Fly away to glory thy beauty balls!

Notice the keen look of determination on Terri's face. She's proud of herself in this moment and who wouldn't be? I will admit, though respectfully, that Terri's chest is sagging quite profoundly for a high school girl. But I think in the 80s everyone in high school was pushing 34.

Terri's breasts had to be sized up, no matter how poorly, to be given some sheere wrecking power. If breasts were a role playing Attribute, I'm thinking that after all Terri has gone through, she needs the experience points to get herself up to a DDD, at least.

Now, had these two lazy boobs presented themselves with a little more conviction and girth, perhaps the last plot complication would never have never mattered...

Rick of course becomes terrified at the possibilities and is more concerned that he lost a friend than actually gained a new rack. So he goes back to his anorexic prom queen in dismay.

If you're worried at this point... well, I feel for you, but don't fret.

Rick'll be back at the end of the movie, with bells on (no balls however--- Terri keeps those till the end--- she probably still has the metaphorical pair hiding away somewhere).

But come on now Rick!. If my fellow sitemates, Shortstick or Roachito, had showed me these, I would have had a go at my best friend! I'd shake that whole BOY thing off right-quick!

Rick should have runned at her, screaming, "MAMMY!" and dove right in. Oh well, I guess we need the last complication before the happy ending (so says Viewtiful Joe).