"The Sword & The Sorcerer"

Reviewed by :   Giggles Rating :   (4 outta 5)

I saw this movie when I was like eight or nine. It had to be around that time of my life because I remember that some of the images disturbed me. AS A MATTER OF FACT, there was one scene, in particular, that really scrambled my little underdeveloped eight year old mind.

That image will come later in the review, but first, let's take a look at some other glorious moments from this swashbuckler that ends up being pure cheese and simultaneously a thrilling piece of low-budget fantasy.

 

I can understand now why this movie tripped me out when I was young. This face-wall is fuuuhreaaaky! Hey, that dude in the corner owes me five bucks!

In the film's beginning, Cromwell, the evil King (from the Blue Lagoon) seeks to unleash someone named The Sorcerer, who also happens to be the chap in the title of the movie. Cromwell need the Sorcerer to magic-up a powerplay or two for his sovereignty.

Cromwell wants, Cromwell receives. The Sorcerer, with little exception, is a goddamn masterpiece of evil-power. He can do shit that the average evil-doer would grimace at.

Like tear your heart out from across the room!
Darth Vader's choking bit seems pretty tame now.

Looks like someone dressed up an Ent as a monk for Halloween.

"RIBB-IT man. Rib It."

So, anyhow, you know that a hero is inevitable in a movie like this. And without further ado, I give you...

...Some medievally dressed dude.

But WOW-WEE, check out the Tri-Tip sword! Sounds good enough to eat! And if three blades wasn't enough to grab you, two of them are launchable!

No wonder this movie wasn't named "The Warrior And The Sorcerer." The Sword is way cooler!

This is so phallocentric; check me out ladies.. I got THREE dicks for ya.

The hero, older now, thinks back on the good ole days of shooting folks with his sword.

The damsel in this movie is scorching when she isn't a small captured graphic in a web-article. PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

"What? You only have one cock? What the hell am I going to do with that?"

Triple Sword and Ruthless Mage Fashion Inc. present the fall TITTY COLLECTION!

I really do want to love her with a slow hand, and mayhap a few easy touches.

"But these go to Eleven."

Cromwell's crown is a pretty cool design. It almost makes up for his specter-headed shlong that has risen for the occasion.

Oh yeah, remember that scene I was talking about earlier? My child brain locked up when I saw this guy's face split in twine. And I still recall exactly what I mumbled to my eight-year old self after seeing the carnage.

Holy Fuckin' Shit!

If you and your buddies, or in the strange, off chance, the far off twilight zonish possibility, that you and your girlfriends are in the mood for a little swash and lot of buckle, this movie comes highly recommended. It's fun that only the mentally challenged could cherish and that's why I need to see it again.

Right away.