"Phantom Planet "

Review by Giggles (1/27/03)

OVERALL SCORE:7/10

Two astronauts are sucked into a giant piece of Original Recipe chicken; one drifts out to space before even getting to the Phantom Planet, while the other, our Wannabe Flash Gordon finds himself shrinking in his space suit (he peers out from behind the shield to his helmet, the filmmakers using an obvious blue screen method).

Once stranded on this planet, Captain Frank Chapman finds himself immersed in these strange beings that have somehow miraculously evolved just as humans have, but their bodies adjust to their terrain. The Chapman character, always enflamed about the idea of being put into somebody’s pocket back home, is set at ease when told that once he samples some oxygen from his planet, he will grow again. “So our bodies are just balloons?” Crow muses.

Chapman is put through a trial that finds him guilty of assault, and yet he is set free… his freedom limited to the Phantom Planet. The leader of the planet tries to settle down his want of escape by presenting him with a tartly blonde and mute brunette vixen. Ultimately the blonde is made out to be the harlot, whilst the brunette is the perfect woman because of her exuberance over the art of articulation.

There is a third party to this boring triangle of love, and this is (I think) the character of Herron (these characters are so lacking in originality it is hard to keep them straight--- however, if you’ve seen the movie you’ll know who I speak of even if his name is wrong). This shmoe wants the blonde for his own, but knows that she’s got it bad for the arrow-faced, pan-headed Captain. He challenges Chapman to a duel over gravity plates (once your opponent pushes you onto one, you die) and of course Chapman has the moment where he spares Herron’s life because he’s “better” than him.

This doesn’t make Herron completely trusting of Chapman, but eventually that washes away and Herron will be the one who devises a way to get Chapman home. Before this can happen though, some aliens named Solarites have to invade, be destroyed, and prove that in space, if you’re ugly and dog-faced, you better not be ambitious and try to take over a civilization. You’ll lose. Every single time, you’ll lose.

Though the acting is tremendously bad and the logic behind the science is as indeterminable as Orco’s face, there was an attempt at explaining something of the cosmos, its existential nature, and our wonder over it. It’s a rancid, horrible, shit-blister-fart of an attempt, but the writers, feeble minded as they were, swung the bat at an ungodly breaking ball; they gave it a shot, they let it hang out there, shrunken and pathetic, for everyone to see it, so I can take that into account. But I can’t understand why the hell a producer ever would have.

PLOT GRADE: 4/6

Note: the movie can receive a 6 and still have a lackluster plot. This is a rating system designed for bad movies in relation to other bad movies.

This movie may be a creature of its time. Now, that’s no excuse, but it’s something I have to use to make a rating, so damn it, I’ll let it stand. The grain of film is typical for the early sixties and the special effects probably weren’t laughed at when this movie first premiered. The Solarite design reminds me of the Mu-tants from This Island Earth. Something that bugged me was the constant display of asteroids and Solarite spaceships set ablaze. This was overused and even left Mike and the ‘Bots panting for new punch lines.

CHEESINESS:

(2 outta 4)

I never like to give away the jokes because it devalues the viewing pleasure of the show, so more than often, I think you will find this section lacking the most in explanation. With that said, this is one of those episodes that tends to get better the more you watch it. However, being that I still have to go with an initial instinct, but also keeping in mind that the funny parts are there, I had to award episode 902 with an above average grade.

The interludes in this episode were especially funny--- Crow as a Solarite is hysterical and Mike’s drifting form in outer space is definitely takes you on a tour of the capital of Chuckledom. This is one of the stronger string of segment pieces I have seen. I won’t give it a five out of five, for my personal estimation, because the comedy of Pearl Forrester, Bobo and Brain Guy always falls flat. I think Pearl’s character is a bit more three dimensional than Dr. Forrester (in older shows, he and TV’s Frank were often the lamer side of the “out-of-the-theater” humor). Of course this twitch of uninspired humor is always forgiven due to one’s realization that the true purpose of the show is not always, if ever found, in the interludes. Time Chasers is an example of the writers’ better efforts to meld the two sections of the show together.